I am adoring these people right now...

>she is pretty young and just plain awesome.

I wish I was this cool when I was little.

AND this >individual

because these nails are a cool idea

and she does daily collages.

I think I'm in a cluttery mood lately.

I must be.

(noticing the blogs and styles I'm enjoying)

Today I'm wearing my thrifted huge flowery shirt, a scarf my grandmother made for me,

 and black slacks.

(still into those dark colors. blacks especially)

It's really nice outside today in Utah.

 *oatmeal and tea for breakfast.

masks and confessions.

(sources) image four, five, eleven, fourteen, eighteen, and all the rest. 

Sometimes masks are beautiful.

For the individual to express or create.

To show raw insides, individuality, traditions, and the joy of dressing up.

But sometimes. 

they are fake. 

and purely for others.

What is everyone hiding from? 

the truth? ourselves. others?

confessions:
I straighten my hair.
Hide my sleepless face.
Put tights on to cover my unshaven legs.
I'm polite and more kind to those I would rather slap in the face.
I talk to people I'm annoyed by or don't want to associate with.
I stick around places when I would rather be 
....in a bathroom alone vomiting. 
(vomiting is one of my least favorite things in this world)
I'm passive aggressive when I can't communicate 
my raw, vulnerable, hurt, or frustrated feelings.

are these (masks) the roles we play and the lies we live behind?

I'm not trying to be a negative nancy.

I just want to express my interest and enjoyment in people who avoid the social standards for themselves. 

Who look inside to discover truth. 

Those individuals inspire me to be better at being raw and open.

 To not please everyone in my life and to genuinely not be concerned about that. 

 I don't want to live for others. 

This doesn't mean putting off the selflessness or understanding

but it's an attempt to not be restricted by the toxicity of others.

out to sea

Ever since my accident two years ago I have rejected my body.

Disowned it.

Laid it out to sea as a betrayer.

Destroyer of my passions and beauty in the world. (haha okay that was a bit extreme but...)

After my accident I could no longer dance,

I could no longer breathe, walk, sit, stand, essentially live without pain.

I couldn't straighten my legs fully while sitting on the floor

Or bend over and pick anything up 

When I used to rest my head against my legs 

and press my hands into the floor.

I had surgery 5 months ago 

and now

There is deep pain but it's less severe and comes maybe every two days

Life flows better

There is silence in my life 
Where once there were throbbing signals telling me there was something wrong 

(When there was nothing I could do about it)

Now.

Silence.

Breath.

Deep silence, 

The kind that makes you smile 

because all you can think about is silence and the beauty and mystery within it.

I realized recently that this is MY body

For now at least, I own it and I take care of it

and how I treat it is how it will treat me

Skipping the long list of details, my quest is to have a proper relationship with my body

One out of love, respect, and consideration.

To put it first and for most on my list of priorities.

an outing for two! maybe three.. or four

And here
Finally
My adventure with Elyse Winn from earlier this week.

She is a babe. 

 

*Here is precious Adam.

He has a great smile.

*And of course the side of Tim's face!

Probably one of the highlights of the night, 

Tim coming back to join us and announcing:

"looking at your face in the mirror close up just... looks so weird."


(These boys listen to great music, have awesome movie taste, enjoy skiing, but they kill cats.
or at least Elyse found a very still one outside their place.
They didn't deny it.)

*Elyse and I also sat down 

and had some of the finest apple juice I have tasted and cereal.

What a treat. She is a very inventive and thoughtful person.