tnalgde dew fo tangents; tangled web of

I would like my pastels and paints now

and I'm getting so frustrated to the point... 

that I may have to take a trip to Ogden to get them 

only to turn around and come right back.

I fantasize about them when I am at work.

O the projects to work on and create (and do?)

I vision them in the garage of my dad's cousins house dying to get out

Literally

Melting in the heat of their own anxieties

Killing each other to survive. 

source

I'm sorry

I feel bad

I used to think, 

(when I was small)

that everything had feelings

especially my stuffed animals.

They all had their places on my bed or in the canopy above it.

They had names and "conditions"

(some were nice, some weren't as nice

some needed more caring and love)

I would cut their hair thinking it would grow back?

and fake feed them,

hoping they wouldn't mind the plastic.

I would hold tea parties for them in our back yard

but then get distracted and leave them out in the rain.

It made me sad 

only because I thought they were sad.

source

Around the age of 4?

I was given the only surprise party I am aware of

(maybe it was a surprise because I wouldn't remember my birthday anyways unless someone reminded me of the countdown.)

I went outside and in every tree in our backyard was a stuffed animal hanging

It was animal themed with animal cake ect.

Best birthday ever.

I still remember the feeling of that surprise

amusement mixed with excitement.

source

(Arizona mesquite trees)

Today I'm feeling like I need to get rid of things.

toxic things.

I started with my phone

I hold onto numbers thinking that one day a person may call and I would like to know who it is

but... I don't think that the family I baby sat in AZ for is looking to get ahold of me now.

So today I started deleting 

and the more I started deleting the better I felt

Like these numbers had been weighing me down for some reason.

Next I realized that a lot of my contacts aren't sufficiently named

Most of the time when I add people 

I put them in my phone as an object or things that will remind me of who they are.

Sorry but there are too many Jeffs and Katies in this world!
(plus as most of you know I'm terrible at adding people in my phone)

I deleted contacts like "bed, cabin, psychology, dance, L G, Ha, #, ect the list goes on"

It was amusing.

#1 I enjoy tangents

#2 no apologies

good game.

p.s. I miss christina (my little sister) desperately today.
She's incredible.
The video, in the post below, kind of reminded me of us. together.

things i;m diggin

I love religious symbols.

saints. relics. etc.

I can't tell you where this stemmed from but I have a passion for them.

Especially older items.

I find them so beautiful.

Maybe because I picture the person crafting it

and I try to imagine their feelings and emotions behind it.

I hope to one day live in a tree house. 

As a kid I used to lay in our red wooden play place 

with my pomegranate, 

thinking I had everything in the world,

wishing I could stay up there forever.

*this one is lovely.

living in an old church is another dream of mine.

(60s) the mod style.

I don't think I could ever wear anything this bright but I do enjoy the shapes and patterns

BANGS & SHORT HAIR

Mary Quant

Mia Farrow

I chopped off my own bangs (a lot/a bit) this weekend.

Michelle Phillips

from the Mamas and the Papas

(this is how I'm feeling today... it's snowing out)

When I was little.. I would say 11&12

I was really into the group The Monkees.

I would watch their show in the summers EVERY morning before ballet class.
(for some reason fox played old awesome shows at 7 am)

Absolutely my favorite thing then.
(the voices might not follow the clips well)

images: lady madonna, pieta, pomegranates, the tree house, the old church, mary quant, mia farrow, mia farrow 2, michelle phillips, michelle philips 2

masks and confessions.

(sources) image four, five, eleven, fourteen, eighteen, and all the rest. 

Sometimes masks are beautiful.

For the individual to express or create.

To show raw insides, individuality, traditions, and the joy of dressing up.

But sometimes. 

they are fake. 

and purely for others.

What is everyone hiding from? 

the truth? ourselves. others?

confessions:
I straighten my hair.
Hide my sleepless face.
Put tights on to cover my unshaven legs.
I'm polite and more kind to those I would rather slap in the face.
I talk to people I'm annoyed by or don't want to associate with.
I stick around places when I would rather be 
....in a bathroom alone vomiting. 
(vomiting is one of my least favorite things in this world)
I'm passive aggressive when I can't communicate 
my raw, vulnerable, hurt, or frustrated feelings.

are these (masks) the roles we play and the lies we live behind?

I'm not trying to be a negative nancy.

I just want to express my interest and enjoyment in people who avoid the social standards for themselves. 

Who look inside to discover truth. 

Those individuals inspire me to be better at being raw and open.

 To not please everyone in my life and to genuinely not be concerned about that. 

 I don't want to live for others. 

This doesn't mean putting off the selflessness or understanding

but it's an attempt to not be restricted by the toxicity of others.

WARNING: for your safety

I was waiting until I felt better before I wrote anything down 

but I'm afraid the memories may slip away.

As I have been sick for a bit now, some of the things I may post in here 

could be delusional.

Im not making excuses, I'm just giving a warning.

I may love something today or I could get passionate

and tomorrow be confused by my previous emotions.

so let's experiment.

(p.s. it might be fun to scroll to the bottom and hit play on the music video 

and then come back to the top & listen while going through the pictures.)

My wonderful dear friend Jeff White came into town this President's Day weekend

and it was a blast!

We started the venture at SlowTrain, an intimate local music shop 
with all your everyday interests.

*psssst... this is my favorite part
(searching through music)

 *he's really enjoying this, as you can see. 
I feel like I'm at the zoo, watching this creature in his natural habitat. 
(delusional? I'm perfectly fine)

*we LOVE the music!!! (delusional)

We went to an antique shop a few doors down called Retro Rose.

There was SO much of that forest vintage green & mustardy yellows. 

Two colors that I am very fond of.

With all your everyday needs:

*clocks

*matches

*boots

*robert sherman

Jeff taught me a few things today 

* how to tie a tie 

*and spoon feed children

so... we weren't sure how old these were

BUT we ate them anyways

*this is real! 

*this is not real.

*real!

*not.

We ventured across the street to find this delightful book shop!

Rare Books

X marks the spot

 * the emo children's poetry book

*here is an excerpt from it

(I rather enjoy things like this, pure adolescent angst.) 

*here is something that I loved as a child.  

*I love cinco de mayo!

EVERYTHING. everything about it.

What a beautiful day!

We both bought 2 books.

(mine are on the left, Jeff's on the right)

*what are the chances? our totals came out to be the same price...

I think it means something... like good luck for a year?
yeah I've heard that somewhere 

SICK CORNER

So I have been sick for a few days and here are some suggestions when I end up getting you sick too...

* this can change your life. seriously my favorite tea of all time! 

(I may need to experience more before shouting this from the roof top but I'M In Love!)

*these are seriously the BEST cough drops.

vitamin C, Zinc, and fluids are great too!

The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

(I've posted some of their stuff before)

I love this baaaannnnndddd, 
boy crazy about them for-sure.
 (*thanks Taylor Short for introducing me)